How to remain upbeat at work
 
The other day, a good friend e-mailed me, sage of the modern workplace, for advice.
 
Good friend types:
 
How do you remain upbeat at work? Need advice.
 
Yours truly replies:
 
Every few hours, I take a jaunt to my car. In my glove box resides a baggy of white powder, which I retrieve and open. Employing a mirror and box cutter, I spread out a couple lines of this powder and sniff.
 
The prepared dust enters my nasal passageways and permeates adjacent membranes. Powerful chemicals quickly proliferate my body’s bio systems to produce feelings of euphoria and give me limitless energy.
 
Lately, it's been taking more and more powder to do the job to help me do my job. Soon my salary will not support the habit. If my boss wants me to keep doing a good job, she'll give me a raise.
 
OK...later…gotta run to my car now...